"Stay away from what might have been and look at what can be." – Marsha Petrie Sue
Are the stories you're making up fueling regret?
Similar to worry, the source of regret is often the linking events together which are not necessarily linked. To make sense of them, we weave them into stories.
Example: I got skin cancer, I regret not wearing sunscreen more often.
Fact: There are conflicting reports on the value of sunscreen and much of it whether or not you develop skin cancer depends on your genetics.
Regrets reflect a runtime error.
Coming to terms with the wound of regret.
A story of regret...
My wife and I moved back to California in 2013. We sold our house in Colorado at a time we prices seemed to be peaking. We made enough equity to put a down payment on a house in California.
As home prices have skyrocketed across the country, others may relate to this story. However, as I revisit this, I see that it is a story and I ad libbed quite a bit to make sense of it. In retelling the story over and over, I reinforced the story. A partial truth become a dominant truth. The real bug isn't regret, but rather the story I made up and continued to tell myself for 3 years.
3 years later, I had seen the news, home prices where we sold had continued to soar (in fact probably accelerated after we sold). In just 3 years, the value of the home we sold has increased well over $100k. Our friend who lives in the area estimates the actual value is likely much higher, even as high as $200k more than we sold it for. Ouch. If you had too me that living in Fort Collins for 3 more years would have netted me an extra $200k in equity, I would have happily stayed (it's an amazing place to live regardless).
It's only particularly painful because we could have really used the extra money as the cost of living here has been higher than we originally expected (I'd guestimate 40% higher based on the fact we were living in a home we purchased in 2008 and the cost of living had risen significantly in Fort Collins).
Regret is an emotion brought about through thoughts, beliefs, desires, and/or actions. Regret is tricky because it can be equally as powerful for things undone. We'll beat ourselves up for not buying that stock that took off just the same as we'll do for buying a stock that tanks. Damed if we do, damed if we don't.
For me, it's a particularly nasty mind trick that can consume me for days, and in that time, I miss out on living in the present - missing out on the next opportunity, further kicking myself when I'm down. It seems to also cast a dark cloud over all the experiences that stemmed that fork in the road.
However, the flaw in my thinking is revealed when I take a close look at choice I made, specifically at the time I made it. My 'freedom to choose' at the time was not as 'free' I see it now. We made the best choice we could at the time.
When you make a choice, don't look back.
Perhaps in the back of my mind, I assumed if things didn't work out in California, we could always move back to Colorado. Now I feel as if that door has closed (to some extent). The reality was that the moment we decided to sell our home, we were closing the door on moving back since the price someone was willing to pay was higher than we could afford!
When we are about to make a major decision, we are in a completely different frame of mind. It's unfair to judge yourself for not having the insight you have now, and particularly pointless to judge yourself when you are in a different frame all together.
Freewill can be a double edge sword, when an opening to the unknown carries new lessons to learn.
The reality is that the more you exercise freewill, the more you will be at danger of that dreaded regret emotion.
Voice of Reason: Dude, you're really going off the rails and I need to stop you. Please don't take your own advice - as usual, you are putting way too much thought into this. Your a smart kid, but often you take your own ideas to the extreme. The truth is this: You made the best decision you could at the time. Life could have easily turned out completely different had you stayed. You might have been the victim of a horrible accident - you just don't know! All you are doing by elaborating this story is producing unnecessary self-suffering. Go back and reread the quote at the top of this page. You've landed in a pretty amazing place in a good time. You have years ahead to enjoy it!*
Simon: I will let the story continue, only to serve as an example of how bad advice can be...
Of course, knowing what I know now, it's easy to see the better choice. It's hind sight 2020.
Research has reveled that regret in the USA is higher than other countries, with the culprit being the greater level of freewill we have here.
Elder: Why are you doing research? Don't you know that most research is flawed? The people doing the study find what they are looking for. It's called the observer-expectancy effect, and it's real. Even as you looked for this data, you ignored other data that contradicted your story.
The timeframe matters too. Over a short-term, our regrets tend to matter more substantial than they do over the long-term. As they say, time heals wounds. Age matters as well - younger people tend to see regrets more favorable than older people do.
Negative Regret is the realization (in hindsight) that a different decision would have resulted in a more favorable outcome.
To be sure, where you are in this moment is based the result of choices you've made, outcomes of which rarely pan out as we'd expect. Sometimes things turn better, other times things turn worse. Can you learn to live with the outcome no matter what it is? If so, you can choose confidently knowing that whatever happens was worth the choice you made.
You can't change the decisions you've made in the past, but you can learn from them and experience is the gift provided by the passage of time.
The passage of time gives us experiences to reflect on.
Every experience can be a rich, cherished, and meaningful.
We want to live a life rich with meaning. But if we fear the pain of regret from living with the choices we make, we'll rarely take the chances to give life greater meaning.
Regret is discounting the experiences you've had in favor of the ones you haven't. It's a disservice to the current moment. It's blaming ourselves or others for the outcome.
When you get caught by feelings of regret, consider this...
Where is regret without you? Emotions can't be felt without you here to feel them. Whether it's a bad emotion or a good emotion, you are alive to experience them either way. Being able to experience all that life offers, good and bad, is a gift.
Sure you may feel like you'd be better off dead - but when you are, you eliminate a potential future where you will be happy beyond your wildest dreams.
Experience itself is only available is this present moment, and this present moment is your opportunity to create memories you will long for in the future.
What that means is that where you are right now is exactly were you need to be. Who, what, and where you are is a blessing by the fact you are alive and here to experience it. The experience of life is reward enough.
The thoughts that make up regret, are nothing more than a catalyst for an emotion.
Regret is a form of self-accusation. Self-accusation is the opposite of self-actualization.
I strive for greater self-actualization, and self-accusation is a step back.
The seed of regret is planted by wishing things were different.
The seed of wishing is often expecting. Regret is the result of an unexpected outcome. If we had expected the outcome that resulted, we would decided differently.
Regret is rooted in the illusion that we can predict the outcome, as if every choice we ever made would be in our best self-interest, and hopefully in the best interests of those important to us as well.
Regret stems more from failing to foresee see the outcome.
To be thankful is to be appreciate.
To be unthankful is to to be critical.
Regret is a seed for discontent, often critical of ourselves for a decision that we made. Knowing we made the best decision we could at the time, is a way to be less critical of ourselves.
Thoughts are not real. The only thing real is what you are experiencing right now. Everything else is just a concept. When you believe your thoughts are real, you are denying reality in favor of fantasy.
Your thoughts are limited by your own past experiences. If you let your thoughts become the laws which govern your behavior, you will be limited by your own imagination.
When you define yourself, you confine yourself. - Prince Ea
Regret is not living in the present moment. Regret is resistance to the moment. It's a form of delusion.
Regret can be a valuable teacher. To reveal something important to us. Life is about learning lessons to make us better in the future, but regret is a staying stuck in a past version of ourselves.
Regret is blaming ourselves for making a decision (or failing to do something different). Regret is a form of judgement. Judgement is finding fault, and finding fault is at the root of complaining.
Regret is validation that outcomes are beyond our control. We make a decision at the time because we believe it was the best decision. It's looking at the outcome that will reveal whether it was a good decision not, but we can only see the outcome after a decision was made.
When we see that a decision we made turned out to be a bad one, we beat ourselves up. The danger in making a bad decision is that we begin to believe the best decision is no decision at all. Nothing could be further from the truth. No decision is leaving ourselves to the whims of others. No decision gives up our power and makes it easy to play the victim.
You can view older as a curse or blessing. The passage of time can open the door to regret or nostalgia. If you are stuck in the negative regret, take the perspective that every day you are born again and you're given a clean slate. There is no baggage, only the wisdom gained through experience. You start at a higher plateau then you did yesterday. Experience is the greatest gift of growing older.
Or, you can see today as a continuation of yesterday. In doing so, you'll carry the past with you and feel weighted down all the baggage you're carrying. You won't get far. If this is you, vow to drop the contents of your backpack that are holding you back. The past is a old news, and the more you relive it, the older you'll feel.
When you label an experience as 'good' or 'bad' you are judging it. Judging is evidence we we are not living mindfully.
There are no bad experience, not good experience, only experiences.
If you leave, don't look back, you'll only kick yourself for what might have been.
Life is lived in the present, and our greatest potential lies before us not behind us. You can plant seeds now for a better future tomorrow, but ultimately, it's beyond your control. We can't predict outcomes, but we can look intelligently and realize that when a decision we made (or if failing to decide has kept us on the sidelines), that we can make a different one.
Some decisions are harder to get out of than others. And when you can run a 'pilot' or a 'what if'
Where you are in this moment is exactly where you are meant to be.
You can deny this fact, but it will never change where you are in the moment.
I find it helpful to look up the definition of a feeling...
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/regret
First off - regret is a noun! Defined as: Upset over past action (or inaction).
You are a verb. Nouns are just labels.
Be cautions of nouns.
Indicators: grief, heartbreak, remorse, FOMO Side effects: anguish, bitterness, discontent, grief, self-accusation, self-condemnation, self-disgust
I resent the success of others when it's tied to regret for actions I failed to take myself. Ex: A close friend of mine started her business a short time ago. Her business has exploded. Mine has stalled. I'm angry. I resent her. And then I realize it's totally natural to feel this way. It's deep in our psyche from our days as a lobster (Rule 1).
Tall Poppy Syndrome is anger, schadenfreude, resentment, and envy. It's why we take some joy when we witness the failure of others.
The first step is to recognize this is a totally normal reaction. Next, return to your mission. Does it serve your mission to burn precious time and energy focus on the success of others? No!