The entire notion of self-improvement is simply a multi-billion dollar industry that fills the pockets of self proclaimed gurus and motivational speakers... who feed on our desire to fix what isn't broken.
Self-improvement efforts usually backfire because the self we seek to improve is not what it seems to be.
The Illusion of Self: The self we think we need to improve is just a thought and not a concrete reality. Our perceptions of self are based on thoughts and ideas rather than a tangible entity.
The New Consciousness Movement: The teachings of Alan Watts and Eckhart Tolle are helpful to reducing identification with the egoic mind and focusing on the present moment as a path to self-awareness.
Mistaking Thoughts for Reality: We often mistake our thoughts about reality for reality itself. This cognitive error leads to suffering and misunderstandings.
The Law of Invincible Opposition: Trying to control or eliminate certain thoughts and emotions often leads to their persistence. Our attempts to control or eliminate certain thoughts and emotions can lead to unexpected and counterintuitive outcomes. A more effective approach entails acceptance - allowing thoughts and emotions to arise and fade naturally, rather than trying to forcefully suppress them.
The Futility of Self-Improvement: The problem with the idea of self-improvement is similar to realizing one's full potential - it's a destination we can never reach. Rather than striving for something we're not, by letting go of the need to constantly improve on what is, we can embrace what is and let go of what isn't.
The idea (thoughts) of something is not the same as the experience (reality) of it. Action doesn't just speak louder than words, action is all the matters in the end.
We all have addictions. Some are more acceptable in society because they allow you to function within that society. But they are addictions nonetheless.
We often overlook addictions that have a positive impact on others. If work is an addiction, but we are financially supporting a family or contributing to a non-profit, our tendency is not to view anything inherently wrong with that addiction.
My point is that we are willing to overlook a lot if it means getting what we want.
"All of the greatest and most important problems of life are fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved, only outgrown. This outgrowth proved on further investigation to require a new level of consciousness. Some higher or wider interest appeared on the patients' horizon, and through this broadening of his or her outlook the unsolvable problems lost its urgency. It was not solved logically on it's own terms but faded when confronted with a new and stronger life urge." - Carl Jung
I admit in stepping back, I see that my addiction for 30+ years has been self-improvement. But if it's benefiting myself and others, is there anything wrong with it?
I recognize that self-improvement and personal development is a multi-billion dollar industry. I have contributed thousands to it.
The entire industry is built upon the premise that who you are is a problem and we've got the tools to fix it. But when you look at the product, it's nothing more than content.
You could argue that self-improvement content is simply another form of entertainment, but I argue that it's detrimental to your mental health.
The entire success of the individual or company behind the content is built on how well they convince us to buy their content. They are marketing companies who sell words - nothing more. In order to sell advice, you need people who are willing to take it.
This book is all about acceptance. Beginning with a self-acceptance of yourself, as you are. You are enough - always have been and always will be.
I'm not saying that you let go of any effort to improve your life. I am a fan of having a goal and feel it's been key for my life. But what I am asking you to let go of is this idea that there's anything wrong with you.
I'm here to tell you that all the answers you are looking for are already within you. Nobody 'out here' is going to be able to fix you 'in there.' Why? Because nothing is broken. You are flawed to perfection.
When an entire industry is built on the premise of calling out what is wrong, using comparison and tapping into our tendency to want to do good and be a good person, it's the source of the problem.
An extreme example of 'toxic self-improvement' can be found in the documentary The Vow. It's a case of someone taking it too far, while revealing how easy it is to get hooked by self-improvement.
You'll notice in The Vow that one of the common threads of it's victims is low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and a belief that someone else has the answer. I could see myself getting easily caught up in something similar and to a much lesser degree spent a few years caught up in the Landmark Forum - an iteration of EST - a major movement in the 70's.
Like most of you reading this, I've been observing successful people for years. You can't help but admire (and perhaps harbor a fair amount of jealousy) successful people. But here's what I've noticed...
Successful people (success is 100% subjective) rarely spend time on self-improvement. If they do, it's more on the creation side of the coin - they may be writing, speaking, and giving advice.
Authentically happy and successful people don't buy into the idea that there's anything wrong with them. Instead of this idea of overcoming themselves, they embrace who they are. And by doing so, have found success in life.
The happiest people I know don't accept this notion that they are a problem to fix. But rather, they accept themselves as flawed individuals.
Successful people don't attempt to become someone else.
The confidence they have comes from a belief in who they are. When you start to question if who you are is as good as someone else, your self-confidence is called into question. Stop it.
Being successful begins with you. Nobody else can give it to you. You are successful because you were born. You are successful because you woke up today. If you own a home, car, can afford a meal out, can afford to take vacation - you are very successful.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
The first thing you'll notice from most self-improvement pitchmen & pitchwomen is that they have to convince you that their lives are better than yours.
Truly successful people don't waste time and energy on self-development. They allocate that energy to the task at hand. To the goals they are chasing.
It's possible that some of what is driving us to 'improve' is greed. We want more than we have, and are looking for an advantage on how to get it.
Our we want to be recognized and stand out. These are driven by the ego.
I accept my flaws, but not my behavior.
I may love who I am, but I don't always love who I'm being.
A flaw is in being overly independent and self-centered. I accept that.
But when my behavior is an unwillingness to ask for help when help is needed, I can't accept that.
Another flaw is my ego.
A behavior is not packaging my knowledge in a form others can easily access (i.e. a book).
I can no longer accept that.
A flaw is in being a people pleaser.
My behavior is in not telling others no when doing so is not in my best interests. I no longer accept this behavior.
A gift is being a people pleaser. Putting the needs of others before my own.
It has put me in a position to ask for help. It's time to ask for help.
All things are ready, if our minds be so. ~ Shakespeare
Are you anxious? Are you impatient? Everything happens in perfect timing. Trust in the perfection of the the moment.
I am where I am because I am supposed to be where I am. I am who I am because it's all perfectly timed.
You've heard the phrase 'perfect timing.'
You've probably felt days when your timing felt 'right' all day long. Other days, you've felt your timing was 'off' all day. But what if you accepted that there's no such thing as 'right' timing? Time is what it is. It does what it does. Where you are in time will never effect time itself.
Wabi-sabi is a Japanese worldview and state of mind emphasizing simplicity and purity – the beauty and awe of all things humble, imperfect, and unpretentious (a beautiful sunrise, the still morning frost, a graceful Japanese tea ceremony).
It is a sort of hopeful sadness that recognizes that nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, nothing is ever finished.
“Experiencing beauty in simplicity and calmness.” ~ Marie Kondo
The essence of Wabi-sabi embodies the fundamentals of Zen Buddhism, emphasizing intuitive insight over deliberate intellectual conception.
Though many of us in the West consider ideas of beauty based on the concepts of perfection, exactness, and symmetry, the Wabi-sabi perception of beauty recognizes the value of imperfections, especially as manifested in nature.