Death: The End of Self Improvement

"Aging, Dying and Living in the Anthropocene" is a thought-provoking conversation with Joan Tollifson that explores her perspective on embracing impermanence, facing mortality, and finding peace in uncertain times.

Big Picture

This conversation illuminates the profound paradox of our existence – that we can simultaneously acknowledge the potential extinction of our species while embracing the beauty of the present moment. Joan Tollifson offers a refreshing philosophical framework that reframes aging, dying, and ecological collapse not as tragedies to be feared but as natural processes that can spark awakening. She distinguishes between oppressive self-improvement driven by feelings of deficiency and genuine transformation that comes from accepting imperfection. By viewing humanity as "waves in the ocean" of consciousness, she suggests that our individual endings and even our collective ending as a species are simply part of a larger unfolding, inviting us to focus on how we respond to life's challenges rather than resisting inevitable change.

Tactics

Reframing Perspectives on Mortality

  1. This is 'stealth' help, not self-help. By stealth, we mean it works beneath the visible surface (in your subconscious).
  2. Chase 2 rabbits, catch none. This resonated with me since I am often pursuing too many different opportunities at the same time (i.e. Bright Shiny Objects).
  3. Thinking itself will not get you to the truth, you must practice (reminds me of the quote: "There are certain things you can only understand if you experience it for yourself").
  4. We change things by the changing the way we think about them.
  5. Everything we see is a construct of the mind - even our own death.
  6. Mind dissolves into space: you can do surrogate meditation for another at the time of death. Doing so stabilizes the mind of the one who is dying. This is why people read the Tibetan book of the dead - it can be a guide.
  7. Breakthroughs are often followed by breakdowns.
  8. When I reintegrate the knowledge, I break it down and discover new breakthroughs. To take flashes of illumination into abiding light.
  9. Opportunities become obstacles if you can't relate to them properly - whatever we experience is determined by our relationship to it.
  10. Experience dissolves, realization lasts. Traits are stable. What are your traits (values)?
  11. Upaya: Vehicle of Skillful Means
  12. Letting Go is about cutting out everything that his holding you back from [living] [dying] [experiencing] [being] [loving]
  13. Meditators have more lucid dreams because we are learning to distinguish between thoughts and reality (mind vs. awareness).
  14. Conscious thoughts (constructed with language) are non-lucidity within mediation.
  15. When we die: All we have are the contents of our mind, so it's vital to avoid getting 'hooked' by our thoughts. Rather recognize them as such and return to awareness itself (your true nature). This is to avoid the confusion that can take us off the path.
  16. Death is a one-time offer.
  17. No regrets is living your life fully & fearlessly.
  18. Our views run our lives. It takes the strength of your view to get you through (and achieve whatever you want to achieve): Great example of someone who wants to become a doctor - unless they posses the right view of the commitment required, they will not become doctor. The 'right' view is the one that allows you to live a life without regret. Fearlessly and fully!
  19. Wholesome (helpful) fear is seeing the err of our ways. It's seeing objectively when we've had the 'wrong view.'
  20. Forging a view is about hardships - those hardships we endure 'forge' your outer being to withstand to even more difficult hardships you will face ahead. Because of this, welcome every setback and obstacle - for you are building strength, establishing unmovable traits, and grit. This is where I see stoicism and Buddhism as similar.
  21. Death reveals what really matters. Keeping it top of mind will help us avoid diluting our lives with the meaningless, the trivial, the unimportant. So we can give our time to HVAs (High Payoff Acts) and avoid getting stuck in LVAs: Low Value Activities.
  22. At the snap of a finger, one day you will die just like that and the universe will not blink an eye. You will be taken out without recourse. Be ready because it happens in an instant. Death is sort of anticlimactic, isn't it?
  23. Death is an opening into the realm of spirit.
  24. Be Kind and Have Fun (live well) - this is all you need to remember for a graceful exit from life.
  25. Truth, Goodness, and Love. Nothing else matters in the end.
  26. Can you find the 'awe' within your own existence? Those awe moments don't exist without you... you are the source of awe.
  27. My OA: Omnipresent Acceptance.
  28. You are not your body or your mind, you are the awareness of everything.
  29. Death reminds us of the urgency of the what's important and the frivolous cost of the meaningless dilutions.
  30. What good (Karma) will this response do? Aim for 'Cool Boring'
  31. TBFW: To become familiar with the space between (the Bardos)
  32. Watch out for linking thinking and 'stories' we fabricate. To an extent, we create our own fake news, don't we? It leads to unnecessary karma.
  33. It's a very good idea to practice impromptu short meditations! As your life might end when you least expect it, dropping into meditation on queue will be helpful (it need not be such a formal affair!).
  34. Ego is form. Form will die. Space will not!
  35. 1% of the population utilizes 30% of the total healthcare costs. Too many people don't have advance directives, as such, we spend billions keeping them alive via costly artificial life support. They are being deprived of an authentic death! Solution: Be sure to have you advance directives on file with your hospital and with your loved ones.
  36. DNR - is it on your advance directives?
  37. Promissory Materialism
  38. Mediation is: Open awareness to the illusionary form - in the end, stick to the practice you know (TM).
  39. Reification (aka concretism, hypostatization, or the fallacy of misplaced concreteness) is a fallacy of ambiguity, when an abstraction (abstract belief or hypothetical construct) is treated as if it were a concrete real event or physical entity. In other words, it is the error of treating something that is not concrete, such as an idea, as a concrete thing. A common case of reification is the confusion of a model with reality: "the map is not the territory".
  40. It's not our thoughts - it's our relationship to our thoughts that create karma.
  41. Build Merits avoid Karma
  42. The best you can do is hold your seat and be in the fire. Aim to be a clean fire, not a smokey one. When we ruminate, comment, harp on, judge etc... we are creating smoke. Allow your fire to arise and burn clean.
  43. To achieve minimalism (and maintain a clean office), disassociate with form (to the greatest extent you can).
  44. We are possessed by our possessions. Lose your possessions, lose your possessed nature. Our possession with form is a heavy weight to carry. Let them go and you'll travel further and faster down the path to enlightenment.
  45. Deconstruct Duality and you break down the construct of space, time, and form.
  46. Fear & Anxiety feed the ego. It requires form. You get past both with the right view.
  47. Follow your fear: The obstacle is the way. Courage is the fruit.

    Fear and Anxiety

    They are the tolls we pay on the path to the truth. They are the bedrock of Samsara. You can't avoid fear and anxiety, you can only move through it. During our mediation, you will stay with it Fear and anxiety can actually help us accelerate us on our path (read Pema Chodron). "Being a Buddha isn’t easy. It’s accompanied by fear, resentment, and doubt. But learning to leap into open space with our fear, resentment, and doubt is how we become fully human beings. There isn’t any separation between samsara and nirvana, between the sadness and pain of the setting sun and the vision and power of the Great Eastern Sun, as the Shambhala teachings put it. One can hold them both in one’s heart, which is actually the purpose of practice."

    We experience small deaths before we die

    I'm reminded of the 'triathlete' phase of my life. It was when I crossed the finish line at Vineman that my 'tri life' ended. The experience was anti-climatic. My entire life revolved around achieving the goal, and once I achieved the goal, it was over. In a real sense, a big part of me died at the finish line. Q. Do I experience real grief for my own death?

    3 Types of Dreams

    What are the three types of dreams, and how can they relate to meditation and the nature of reality? The three types of dreams are:

  1. Nightime

  2. Daytime

  3. The Bardo Between: When we transition from one dream to another. Q. Is it possible to meditate during a dream? If you find yourself in a lucid dream, what if you meditated? Would that take you to the true core of your being?

    The Domino Demonstration

    Moving from being reactive to being responsive by widing the spaces between dominos so that when one falls, the rest do not follow. Andrew provided a great visual using dominos. He showed how recognizing the bardos (the space between) can help us become more responsive and less reactive. It's Upaya: A vehicle of skillful means. Pause in the bardo (the space between thoughts/action). To move from impulsive/compulsive reactivity to a place of responsibility.

    Right View vs. Wrong View (Upaya)

    Always ask yourself (and the bardos is a great opportunity to do so): Is this the right view of the wrong view? It's having the skillful or expedient means to respond with the right view depending on the circumstances. It's about taking a course of action for the greater good. Ask: It's that action is applied with wisdom and compassion and that it is appropriate in its time and place. The same act that "works" in one situation may be all wrong in another. Upaya can help the stuck become unstuck and the perplexed to gain insight. The concept of upaya is based on the understanding that the Buddha's teachings are provisional means to realizing enlightenment (read the raft parable below). The Buddha compared his teachings to a raft no longer needed when one reaches the other shore. Upaya also refers to the Buddha's skill in shaping his teaching to be appropriate to his audience—simple doctrines and parables for beginners; more advanced teaching for senior students. Buddha's teachings as provisional, preparing the ground for the later Mahayana teachings (see "Three Turnings of the Dharma Wheel"). According to some sources just about anything is allowable as upaya, including breaking the Precepts. Zen history is full of accounts of monks realizing enlightenment after being struck or shouted at by a teacher. Skillful means is one of the major themes of the Lotus Sutra. In the second chapter, the Buddha explains the importance of upaya, and he illustrates this in the third chapter with the parable of the burning house. In this parable, a man comes home to find his house in flames while his children play happily inside. The father tells the children to leave the house, but they refuse because they are having too much fun with their toys. The father finally promises them something even better waiting outside. I have brought you pretty carts drawn by deer, goats, and bullocks he said. Just come outside, and I will give you what you want. The children run out of the house, just in time. The father, delighted, does make good on his promise and acquires the most beautiful carriages he can find for his children. Then the Buddha asked the disciple Sariputra if the father was guilty of lying because there were no carts or carriages outside when he told his children there were. Sariputra said no because he was using an expedient means to save his children. The Buddha concluded that even if the father had given his children nothing, he was still blameless because he did what he had to do to save his children. In another parable later in the sutra, the Buddha spoke of people going on a difficult journey. They had grown tired and discouraged and wanted to turn back, but their leader conjured a vision of a beautiful city in the distance and told them that was their destination. The group chose to keep going, and when they reached their real destination they didn't mind that the beautiful city was just a vision.

    The Raft Parable

    A man traveling along a path came to a great expanse of water. As he stood on the shore, he realized there were dangers and discomforts all about. But the other shore appeared safe and inviting. The man looked for a boat or a bridge and found neither. But with great effort he gathered grass, twigs and branches and tied them all together to make a simple raft. Relying on the raft to keep himself afloat, the man paddled with his hands and feet and reached the safety of the other shore. He could continue his journey on dry land. Now, what would he do with his makeshift raft? Would he drag it along with him or leave it behind? He would leave it, the Buddha said. Then the Buddha explained that the dharma is like a raft. It is useful for crossing over but not for holding onto, he said.

    The three kayas (Trikaya)

    aka: The three Buddha bodies Our opportunity for liberation lies in the three bardos!

  4. Dharmakaya: Formless - At end of bardo of dying - The unmanifested body of the law

  5. Sambhogakaya: Ethereal form - During bardo of dharmata - The enjoyment (or bliss) body (sambhogakaya) is the celestial body of the Buddha to which contemplation can ascend.

  6. Nirmanakaya: Form - During bardo of becoming - the physical form that appears in the world to teach us the path to liberation

    The Wheel of Life

    The Tibetan Wheel of Life Explained

    3 steps to wisdom

    Information (unembodied knowledge) Experience (embodied knowledge) We 'consume' wisdom in this way:

  7. Hearing (ingest)

  8. Contemplating (digest)

  9. Meditating (metabolize) In today's world, contemplating is becoming a lost art. The goal is to literally become the teachings. Meditation is true knowing because it is rooted in experience. Words can never convey true experience as our experience is beyond thought. Mediation is non-conceptional knowing.

    Our Bubble

    ![](https://pouch.jumpshare.com/preview/YKiLgECB4CzP6ekO-P9wGblk7sQUNwtuyJrb5wKKfANxss_-UB0PhrTsNNL3SYCQg9EikNZq7qykbAtKHAVTSBA1jQB_zmxltR5bgJ1-nls)
    ## Who we are is formless awareness When we die, we lose our false sense of self. All that remains is who we are. Who we are is formless awareness - your essential being (true nature). You essential being never dies. Formless awareness is immortal. It does not exist in space or time and thus cannot be destroyed. The path of meditation is about becoming familiar with your essential being (true nature). Meditation helps you discover this new identify. Who you are is wisdom. Who are you are not is confusion. The only reason why we are afraid to die is because it's unfamiliar. Our attachment to this life... the clinging to this current identity is what is familiar - it's comfortable. To venture into the formless awareness is largely about stepping outside our bubble. ## At the time of death Practice your mediation. This is what the gurus have done. You meditate until your outer body is gone. > By Doing Nothing, Nothing is Left Undone Mantras are mind protectors. Let the teachings be louder than your thoughts. Allow your mind to be hooked by wisdom, not confusion. ## Indicators you are dreaming (or dead)

  10. You cast no shadow

  11. You look into a mirror but don't see your reflection.

  12. You leave new footprints on sand or snow

  13. Your body makes no sound

  14. People don't respond to you

  15. You can move through matter or fly (and might possess other miraculous powers)

  16. You cannot see the sun or moon

    Graceful Exit: Preparing for a Good Death

    All of life is held within the context of death. By acknowledging and preparing for death now, we will find ourselves living more fully and fearlessly. Join us as we celebrate the preciousness of life, and ready ourselves and others for this final journey. We will learn how to die a good death, and how to help others die, exploring meditations and contemplations that prepare us for letting go. As the Buddhist tradition proclaims “If you die before you die, then when you die you will not die.” With preparation, we can transcend death, turning the greatest obstacle into a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and even attain enlightenment. The bardo teachings lead to the death of death. The journey through the bardos is a journey into our mind, so by exploring the bardos we are exploring ourselves.

    They also apply to any moment that ends – which means these teachings apply to daily life. Andrew's book Preparing to Die should be a prerequisite. “Unrecognized thought is the daytime equivalent of falling asleep. Each discursive thought is a mini-daydream. Drifting off into mindless thinking is how we end up sleepwalking through life—and therefore death.”

    A Deeper Dive (Reading/Watching)