先生
大
Your weekly check-in
One who teaches based on wisdom from age and experience.
Values – Stated vs. In-Action.
What do you say your values are?
I value integrity. Independence. Mutual respect.
Contributing to a purpose greater than myself (but having fun along the way).
What does your time use say your values are? What about your online browsing history – what does it say your values are? How about spending/ buying choices? Reading materials? Your food choices? Your profession?
Imagine an objective witness to your life – what might they say about your values. How does that compare to your stated values?
Is there a value gap? A discrepancy between your stated values and your values in action? In the MKP “Principles of the Mankind Project” (Primary Integration Training Copyright 2011), it states in the Integrity & Action section the principle, “I Walk my talk.” If you do have a ‘value gap,’ do you need to adjust your walk? Or maybe adjust your talk? Or a mix of both?
What are your true values? As a man, what values do you want to truly express and how?
A reference: What is a value?
Values are the beliefs, principles or ideas that are important to you in your life. Values are what you stand for in life -- they are often things that you are for or against -- what you believe in and are willing to support and stand up for. ~ from website: wire.wisc.edu/yourself/selfreflectknowyourself/Yourpersonalvalues.aspx
I invite you to join us and to share your experience, challenges, and gold associated with your values, and to hear from other men about the same. This may bring up some work for you to do or you are welcome to bring any challenge that is coming up for you in your life right now.
Sensei
What do you need to wake up our of "sensory motor amnesia" in your life?
Steve Barnes talks about sensory motor amnesia this way:
"Tai Chi, Yoga, martial arts, deep massage... All of them have the capacity to stir up emotions locked in the body. The Hawaiian Huna “the body is a black bag where you store unprocessed emotions” comes to mind here. And unless you are prepared to process them, you will slowly become less and less comfortable with your physical transformation, until you eventually give up, or sabotage them, or arrange to injure yourself, or... We’ve all seen it countless times, and it isn’t just about the body.
Try making more money, or gaining more success than fits your self image or is supported by your family dynamics, beliefs, or values. Financial suicide.
Try diving into a relationship more deeply than you are prepared for. Watch the self-destructive behavior. The truth is that we were born with the capacity to love deeply and well, thrive financially, and relish our physicality. And anything less than that is damage we picked up along the way, or conflicting “programs” in the biocomputer.
The way out of this mess, the way to cut through the Gordian Knot our lives can become (we’re all raised by amateurs!) is to start by loving ourselves enough to conquer fear, anger, and guilt but also enough to commit 100% to PROTECTING ourselves, our dreams, our hearts. And thence to healing.
The next step is to simultaneously awaken ourselves from “sensory motor amnesia” and increase our energy."
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." ~ Carl Rogers
Over the past weeks I have watched myself and other men in circle struggle with uncomfortable or challenging feelings and search for ways improve their experience. The self-acceptance referenced by Carl Rogers can be elusive.
Psychologists Kristen Neff and Chris Gremer teach self compassion which is a form of self acceptance:
When we feel fearful, frightened or threatened, our natural biological response is to go into a fight, flight or freeze mode. This natural survival instinctual response is programmed into us.
When we fail, make a mistake, or feel inadequate, we feel threatened and so our natural response to protect ourselves and keep safe comes in the form of:
These are natural responses to whenever we feel threatened. They are hard wired into us as our default settings.
But asking the question "How do I accept myself just as I am?" in the presence of such feelings as anxiety, shame, or fear? How does self compassion work?
Chris Germer teaches:
"What is self compassion? For many of us it's a kind of melting of the heart in the face of suffering; a kind of tenderness. We have learned to sort of gird ourselves against things when they go wrong. We have learned to tighten up and toughen up. There's a certain risk when we allow the heart to soften around suffering. Because initially when the heart starts to soften around suffering, we begin to re-experience the conditions under which the heart originally needed to harden. It's actually a little scary."
Kristen Neff has devised a method of using self compassion in dealing with unpleasant feelings which includes:
First honor the pain of that. No one is perfect. Honor the shame associated with it. Hold shame like a little baby in your arms.
Notice that such feelings are very human and common to everyone and are thus a shared experience.
Locate the unpleasant feeling and its associated thoughts in your body.
From a larger more compassionate Self, step back and bring a sense of caring and kindness to that unpleasant place in your body, like you would hold a baby in your arms.
If this process seems difficult to do, note that there are beliefs which can be blocks to self compassion:
"Research shows that the opposite is true. Self compassion is motivating. It will make you feel strong. And it will help you not give up." ~ Kristen Neff
"Self compassion is not sugar coating: It is a beautiful mixture of sorrow and joy that opens the heart. We need to experience some sorrow in order to dive into this thing." ~ Chris Germer
So as a man, are you able to bring self-compassion to yourself in difficult times? Does self-compassion land for you or are there blocks that get in the way? Does the term inner support or inner strength land better for you instead of self-compassion? If so, why?
What is your relationship with death? We experience deaths throughout life, then we die. How do you come to equilibrium with this? Does it paralyze you? Or does it, instead, liberate you?
Several months ago, I read an article in Psychology Today about the ‘death’ of friendships. The notion was friendships were a living thing with a start, middle, and an end, a death. This really resonated with me.
From the article, by extension, I could see clearly that many things in life have a start, middle, and a death to them – and we’re all dealing with them throughout our lives. There are the obvious ones like the literal death of family, friends, and pets. And then there are the less obvious like the death of friendships and relationships, of your childhood, of a particular identity or role you’ve had for a period of time, of your physical prowess, and on and on.
All of these deaths remind me of the impermanence of all things and beings, of life, of my life. Which brings me back to the original question: How do you come to equilibrium with death?
Join us and to share your experience, challenges, and wisdom from your relationship with death.
Every day dies. Death is meant to signify an end. When we let death persist, it becomes an obstacle to life.
Each day begins. It's the start of the uncertainty of what lies ahead. Do you fear the unknown? If so, then you live with fear everyday. Instead, we cling to certainty. Thus, we have a tendency to cling to the past. Our past prevents growth. The way out is forward, not back.
If you discriminate against someone who discriminate, doesn't that make a discriminator too?