I've been racing through his book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. The main concept of the book is about overcoming what he refers to as 'the big 3' which are Environment, Body, and Time. Transcending the big 3 to tap into a limitless being. It's not about achieving more 'out here,' but rather about discovering what already exists 'in here.'
Specifically, I'm going to dive into the Chapter 7: The Gap.
"Closing the gap between who we are and who we present to the world is greatest challenge we all face in life." (p.165)
In order to do this, we must confront our shadows - the aspects of ourselves we keep hidden. Unless we can come to terms with the aspects of ourselves we despise, we'll continue to act in ways that keep them hidden. It makes sense - the first step in solving any problem is recognizing the problem.
For me, I recognize that much of what drives me is being excluded. I can recall some events from my childhood that left a scar. Getting picked last at dodgeball. Showing up as the second child - a sense of being unwanted by an older brother who had been getting all the attention before I showed up.
I've adopted more of my mom's view of life than my dads, and there's an inner conflict that has arisen within myself as a result. Even deeper, from the divide of religion that stemmed from my grandparents. My dad's mom never accepted my mom into the family, she was not a jewish. They had two weddings and avoided bringing us up with any connection to a religion. We had to find our own spiritual path.
Can I let go of all that and lose myself? My identity?
Joe shares how we the external world failed to 'deliver' any lasting joy, love, or peace. While he was extremely successful on the surface, he was unable to hold on to inner peace - joy - and love. Inside he felt numb. No matter how much he achieved 'out there' to align this idea of success, joy, love... it all fell short of changing how he actually felt - empty.
He goes on to explain that there's a concept he calls 'The Gap' which reflects the space between how we show up in the world and who we actually are. The armor we put up and the facade - it's all to try to live up to the idea of how others want us to be. And this can become toxic to someone who is a desperate people pleaser like myself. I have always put the needs of others before my own... and while that may translate to a livlihood - and pays the bills, it ultimately leaves little time for myself.
But yesterday I did make myself a priority - I spent several hours updating the ukulele workbook for a class I'm teaching next month. I added what I know will help me teach what I enjoy most - music.
My own backstory? I was raised my a very competitive father with 3 brothers. I came to the conclusion several years ago that no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to live up to his image of success because there was not finish line. Despite my older brother achieving mega financial success, he can always do more. Now I fully recognize this is simply the way my father was raised - by a mother who always expected more than he gave. In her view, the more she expected from him, the more he achieved, the safer he was... and in the end, that's all she wanted - for her son to be safe. And I suppose that's the same thing my father wants for us - to be safe and secure.
But what happens when who we are is not competitive? Who we are is not interested in being at war with the world? When our definition of success differs from others and society?
It's about using meditation to see and then change the aspects of ourselves holding us back. It validated many of the insights I gained on my first silent retreat. Namely that the 'surface noise' of everyday life - where we tend to be forced into a being what society needs us to be is never going to produce true peace, love, and joy. True peace love and joy can only come within. Who we are is the essence of those elements.
But the surface noise, while addictive and prolific is never going to produce lasting peace love and joy. We may experience it in small doses now and then... and the hook is like an addiction - the more we get the more we want. The more experiences we have, the more we are unlikely to be satisfied. We strive to recapture a feeling that is non-existent. The harder we try, the more frustrated we get.
I'm more likely to return to my practice of TM, but see the benefit of adopting some of Dispenza's strategies post-meditation when I'm in a more relaxed alpha state.
The steps:
Identify what friction exists on the surface. You can't see it from the surface, you have to dive below the surface. This is a helpful 'Life Review' that you can do each day (rather than just when near death experiences occur). It's about asking questions (prompts) that can help direct you towards an intention aligned with your true self. It's about recognizing who you're being at a much deeper level. What drives us to behave the way we do? Where do our feelings come from? Let's dive deeper... it's time to define our state of mind. When I get into a funk or frustrated, where does it come from? When I feel joy and love? When I feel peace? Consider the underlying attitude beneath it all. Below the emotion of fear lies a state of mind. It's different for each of us and it may change over time. What triggers the emotions? Emotions often interconnect and can manifest as responses to stressors in life.
Underlying Feelings: Fear of inadequacy, lack of self-confidence.
Attitudes: A tendency to doubt oneself and seek validation from others.
Underlying Feelings: Deep-seated anger, unresolved pain.
Attitudes: A defensive mechanism to protect oneself from perceived threats or injustices.
Underlying Feelings: Insecurity, fear of being judged oneself.
Attitudes: A way to exert control or superiority over others to mask personal vulnerabilities.
Underlying Feelings: Helplessness, despair.
Attitudes: A perspective that views oneself as powerless, often leading to a cycle of blame and avoidance.
Underlying Feelings: Anxiety about the future, fear of loss or failure.
Attitudes: A preemptive strategy to prepare for potential negative outcomes, often leading to paralysis in decision-making.
Strategies
Guilt
Underlying Feelings: Regret over past actions, fear of social disapproval.
Attitudes: A moral compass that can lead to self-punishment or a drive to make amends.
Underlying Feelings: Overwhelming sadness, loss of interest in life.
Attitudes: A feeling of being trapped in one's circumstances, often leading to withdrawal from social interactions.
Underlying Feelings: Deep embarrassment, fear of exposure.
Attitudes: A belief that one is fundamentally flawed or unworthy, often resulting in isolation.
Underlying Feelings: Fear of uncertainty or danger.
Attitudes: An overactive response to perceived threats, leading to avoidance behaviors.
Underlying Feelings: Sorrow for past decisions.
Attitudes: A fixation on what could have been, which can hinder present enjoyment and future planning.
Underlying Feelings: Pain (emotional or physical), loss.
Attitudes: A perception that life is inherently difficult, which can lead to resignation.
Underlying Feelings: Anger due to unmet expectations.
Attitudes: A sense of powerlessness when faced with obstacles.
Underlying Feelings: Threat perception, vulnerability.
Attitudes: A protective instinct that can lead to avoidance or hyper-vigilance.
Underlying Feelings: Insecurity regarding resources or status.
Attitudes: A belief that one must accumulate more to feel secure or valued.
Underlying Feelings: Loss, disappointment.
Attitudes: An acknowledgment of unmet needs or desires.
Underlying Feelings: Aversion to certain stimuli (people, situations).
Attitudes: A protective mechanism that signals danger or moral violation.
Underlying Feelings: Insecurity about one's own worth or achievements.
Attitudes: A comparison with others that can diminish self-esteem and satisfaction.
Triggers
Underlying Feelings: Frustration, hurt.
Attitudes: A response to perceived injustice or threat, often leading to confrontational behaviors.
Underlying Feelings: Bitterness over perceived wrongs.
Attitudes: Holding onto past grievances which can impede personal growth and relationships.
Underlying Feelings: Low self-esteem, self-doubt.
Attitudes: A belief that one does not deserve happiness or success.
Underlying Feelings: Insecurity about resources (emotional or material).
Attitudes: A mindset focused on scarcity rather than abundance, affecting overall satisfaction with life.
(Breaking the Habit meditation)