"Once you have a major success with assertiveness, you learn that it's a much healthier path than being a doormat to the insensitive folks. You gain respect for yourself, have more time for your priorities, and develop authentic and healthier relationships." ~ Doreen Virtue
Assertiveness is the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive.
Achievers are assertive, assholes are aggressive. Don't be an asshole.
Related terms:
Resilience
Payout: Increased self-efficacy
Counteracts:
Passivity
The payoff:
Running an assertiveness program allows you to get what you need from yourself and others. Side benefits include boosting self-confidence
Use case:
I'm in a parking lot waiting for my wife. A van of thugs pulls up and starts blasting offensive rap music. After 5 minutes, you ask them to turn down the music. They tell you to F*&@ off. Is this the time be assertive? No. But there is a way you can be assertive. You can go into the store and tell the store manager to call the police because there is a group of thugs in the parking lot causing a disturbance. Being assertive is about not being passive in the face of a challenge, but it doesn't mean you need to put yourself in harms way.
Example:
To see the value of assertiveness, I recollect a program that by default ran the passivity program. His lack of assertiveness with others reflected the lack of assertiveness with himself. When action was needed, he didn't take it. Conditions earlier in life turned him into a people pleaser. Being a middle child required him to run the passive program to avoid conflict. His inability to see passivity as a module that no longer served him became a obstacle to him reaching his potential.
Danica Patrick, the most successful female race car driver in history, started racing at age 10. She continually pushes the edge of possibility by stepping outside her comfort zone. She was (and still is) faced with seemingly unsurmountable challenges and obstacles. It simply was never expected that a woman could compete at the highest levels in Nascar racing.
She's done the equivalent of breaking the 7 minute mile. Once it’s been done, others will can follow in her footsteps. Too often, being passive is what holds us back. Being passive limits us by complying with the 'status quo' defined by others. Being assertive is was allowed her to break through.
Elder: Tune in to the feelings of discomfort because it’s a good indication you are breaking out of your comfort zone! Breaking out of your comfort zone requires a level of assertiveness with yourself.
The path to greatness in any endeavor typically passes through 3 phases:
It was uncomfortable for Danica to compete in a male dominated sport. Throughout her rise to greatness, there’s no question she had to endure unbearable conditions - the mental and physical demands of being in a race car hours on end are no doubt unbearable. But the good news is on the other end of unbearable is unstoppable. She has since become an unstoppable force in car racing.
It's reasonable to throttle back and not push it too far. It's reasonable to be passive, nobody will notice. But we are not here to be unnoticed. After all, if the obstacle stopped someone else, why shouldn't it also stop you?
The greatest achievers in our lifetimes have overcome the obstacles that others would not. They had to run the assertiveness program.
Being assertive is about doing what most people aren't willing to do. It's about taking risks, but you'll never know how far you go until you risk going too far.
What's unreasonable is to push further than it’s been pushed before. Be unreasonable in the pursuit of your dreams and never let your your passivity program define what's possible.
Here are three key insights into someone who defines assertive better than most, Danica Patrick:
Two words define Danica: authentic and assertive. She admitted she does push the edge of assertive into aggressive, where she's labeled a bitch, but bitch is only a label and she does not let labels define her actions.
Being a bitch indicates being assertive (to the point of aggressive), and she knows it's the assertive program that she needs to run to produce the outputs she desires. Assertive people aren't afraid to push the edge of aggressive. Assertiveness will create friction with passivity programs, but being assertive isn’t about being popular - it’s about getting shit done.
Assertiveness and authenticity are close cousins. Speaking your mind is authentic, and when you do, you exhibit a form of assertiveness. Not everyone will agree. Danica doesn’t hold back on speaking her mind and sharing her opinions. The most effective way become more likable is to be authentic. It’s a rare trait in the world today, and because of it's scarcity, it’s highly valued.
Other programs who run the assertive module include Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and Prince. In fact, when you look at the source code of any highly successful program, and you will find the assertiveness module.
The module of assertiveness is triggered by the use of the following verbal cues:
Some friction with passive programs is to be expected. If you feel unsafe, then you may be going to far. Don't let your assertiveness put you in danger (recall my earlier thug example).
Are politicians passive programs?
As we sit at watch our country erase so much progress and become a poster child of what NOT to to do, rage fills me as I am disgusted by the passivity of those who are in a position of power to do something about it. However, while my program can see the distinction, there's cannot. In order to be earn the votes to be elected to office, they had to please everyone. This meant avoiding conflict and not taking a stand when doing so would alienate them from the 'status quo.'
Fake it until you make it. I read the same thing shared by Meghan Trainor (All About That Bass hit songwriter). I will be expanding on this concept in a future chapter because I feel it's worth revisiting in depth. I believe it's one of the keys to high self confidence and self esteem - which is a common trait in successful people. Isn’t who we are in fact the perception others of have us? It’s how we show up. I’m a believer that others can see things in us we miss ourselves. We miss these aspects because we can't see them from our viewpoint. Maybe we are too close.
When it comes to living a life you love, run the 3A program: Be Aggressive (committed to the outcome), Be Assertive (demand 100%), and Be Authentic (stay true to your mission) (AAA).
Do what you love. Don't seek role models. Be your best self, better than anyone else. Never compare yourself to others, because your single focus is to become the best version of yourself, and there’s only one you. Be aggressively assertive. Don't let anyone else (society) define who you become. Don’t let the need to be ‘likable’ overshadow the need to be assertive in getting what you want. Don't take it personally.
You are free to be whoever you want to be. Know what you want and aim high. Be focused on a goal and you'll do whatever it takes if you truly love it.
Learn from your mistakes, and you will get better everyday.
You can't fake authenticity.
Discover what makes you happy and do that. Build a life that allows you to do more of the things that make you happy. Spend more time with the things you enjoy, and less time with the things you don't. This is the secret to a successful (happy) life.
Suffering in a life you don't enjoy is optional. To avoid doing less of the things you don't enjoy, become more assertive with your objectives.
Ask 100% of what you want from 100% of the people in your life 100% of the time.
The opposite of assertive is passive. Passive is giving in to fear. Passive is giving away your power. Passive is the path to despair.
Identify the assertive people in your life. They may in fact be the people you don't like. This is because there is a fine line you'll dance between assertive and aggressive behavior. These are often people we don't initially care for! Those of us who tend to be passive are turned off by those who are overly assertive. Meaning they assert themselves into our lives, likely more than we want!
Consider that you are jealous or envious of those who are being assertive because they are getting what you want.
Thank them for providing evidence that it can be done and follow in their footsteps.
Being assertive means doing the things you don't want to do, but need to be done to accomplish that which you've set your mind to achieve.
Running this program may entail instilling a desire in others to act in a way to bring about the result you desire.